Letters to Santa

Shamelessly ripped of from an unacknowledged site, these letters are pretty good. They are edited for decency:

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"Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
****
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a decent grammar book so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
****
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
****
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
****
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
****
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget crappy films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly and flirting with the
cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know When
we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
****
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
****
Timmy,
That whiney begging junk may work with your folks, but that
Crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home?
Love,
Marky
****
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're
getting your butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live
in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third,
I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa